How To: Friendzone

How To: Friendzone

• Tuesday, November 13, 2018

To friendzone or not to friendzone? That is the question.

Well aye yo to the people with thumbs, are you ready to be educated? I gave a snippet of my education by trying to be all shakespearean-esque, in the first sentence but perhaps it just came off as cringy? I totally think it did. OH WELL, TIME TO MOVE ON.

So, apparently I have the status in my friend groups as the rejecting, friendzoning queen. I get attacked on this fact on a daily basis. 

And I mean it's somewhat true, you know? 

Well, here is the very requested article, for your friendzoning needs.

WARNING: There is also nothing wrong with friendzoning someone, for your information.

Ok let us begin.

The first thing with friendzoning and to friendzone correctly, you have to think to yourself, 'Do I wish to friendzone?' Now you may be thinking, 'But Brooke, how do you label someone as friendzone worthy?'

Well, that is a great question, internet. In order to see if someone is friendzone worthy, I like to play a little test called. "Would I make out with them?" or there is another test, "Do I want him to be the father of my children?" and another test, "Would I regret going on a date with this person?"

If you answered, no, no, and yes, to all of the questions above then you should most likely friendzone. Now if I am talking to Damon then the answers would be yes, yes, and no, and I would not friendzone him. No sir, I would jump on that opportunity like a kangaroo about to box.

Sorry, I just had to add Damon again, and I do not regret it, I mean look at that face. True magic.

Anyway, back to how to friendzone.

So, after you have established that you wish to friendzone said person, there are some sticky steps you must take. And it can depend if you have gone on a date with this person or if you have not, let me explain dear internet.

If you have gone on a date with them, and the date was the definition of a poop party, yet in their mind's eye it was a party fit for Aphrodite, well you let them know right away, Aphrodite was no guest at the party. 

For example, I had a young man message me, "That was fun, when are you free to go on a second date?"

Now, when you get a message like this after a poop party, your first response is to click abort, stop, drop, and roll. And ghost your way out of it. But, Shaniqua, there will be no Casper here tonight! You will face your problems, friendzone first!

1) Take a freaking deep breath.

Listen you can't friendzone someone if your lungs are collapsing, take a breather and say, "Let the friendzone commence."

2) BE NICE, YOU SLUT.

Now, if you wanna stay friends with the person, I highly suggest you be nice and don't throw any jabs. Think of one thing you like about the person (be sincere!) and if you went on a date, one thing you liked about the date (totally lie!)

3) Use La Wizard Hands

Time to get crafty, whether online or in person, get those words a flowing. Don't try to make the person feel like they are inferior to you or pathetic (even if they may be!) 

For example say, "Hey Stefan, how's it going? Lovely weather we are having don't you think? Anyway about the date, I had a grand ole time, but I am not seeing you in a romantic way, just no spark or Nicholas Sparks for that matter, I just wanna hang like orangutans, let's go get ice cream with Damon!"

Ciao.

So, that was an example of how to friendzone after a date, but some of you may ask, oh Brooke, what if there is no date yet but they've asked me on one, and I am hiding?

Well listen little hiding squirrel I got you covered! 

Just focus on the part that you don't see them in a romantic way, that always usually works for me, because you can't fight chemistry!

For example, "Hey Stefan, a date sounds fun, but I don't see you in a romantic way, don't take it the wrong way, I just don't got that sparky connection going on, but let's hang out Friday and watch Peter Kavinsky on da screen."

Now if you paid attention closely, friends, you would have noticed that I said 'romantic way' now I have a rule that I don't go on dates with people that I don't see in a romantic way because that is a huge butt waste of time, and I am young. Not wasting precious time like that.

So, I inform them of this, that I don't go on a dates with people I don't see in a romantic way, I also comment on why I like them and because of the reason I like them I wish to stay friends. This always throws people off and they can't help but say ok and leave it with no hard feelings.

After all of this has happened, you just kind of pretend you never left the friendzone, you act on your merry way. Ask about dates going on, watch some films, and stay all cozy in that friendzone.

That is all folks, ciao.

If you have any further questions or need some assistance with friendzoning please let me know. 

You're welcome, internet.