The Men of Mamma Mia

The Men of Mamma Mia

Monday, November 26, 2018

Hello dear internet, I am here today, to rant. 

I know what you're thinking, "But Brooke everyday I hear people complaining and I want some fresh air of happiness and joy."

I say bah humbug to that Shaniqua. 

Because this is some fresh air that you need to hear, and that is the analyzation of the young, attractive men of Mamma Mia 2.

Now, I was deathly ill a week ago and decided to rent some Mamma Mia 2, because my mother said it was better than the first one, (I think she only said that because there were young, fresh guys) so I paid that pricey sum of 5 dollars and hit that play button.

And, boy was I surprised. 

First, the movie is no good, sorry fans but its a piece of poo. And I have done with out.

However, what I paid very close attention to, were the three men from young Donna's life, yes sir, I am talking about young Sam, young Bill, and young Harry, in case you had forgotten. 

Here's a reference pic:

Ok, so I know the whole blob story of how Donna slept with all three men in a very short amount of time between each one and then ends up pregnant by one of them (my best bet is that it's Sam but that's just me.)

And, let me tell ya when I saw the previews for this movie, I thought, "Dang, young Sam is cute, marry me young Sam, hallo." Also I had previously taken a quiz to which young man I'd end up with and they said Sam, and I was ecstatic.

UNTIL I LEARNED THAT SAM IS A SLEAZE BALL. AND TASTELESS.

Young Sam is the epitome of a toolbag, he literally also has no personality, he's like plain toast. 

First, he just takes this girl to his tiny cabin after saving some rando horse and instantly does the devil tango with her. AND DID I MENTION WHILE ALL OF THIS IS HAPPENING AND HE IS WITH DONNA FOR LIKE A WEEK OR SOMETHING HE HAS A POOPING FIANCE.

Yes, the man is not only the color beige BUT he is also a lying, cheating cheeseball.

I can not handle it.

And, yes some may defend him and say, "Oh but he came back for her." I DON'T GIVE A POOP, he should have never gotten in the relationship in the first place or should have dumped his fiancé via pigeon mail and stayed with Donna on the remote island. 

Yes, Sam, you fooled me with your pretty eyes and charming smile and cool bomber jacket and hip motorcycle skills and being a lover of animals and saving them and having a cute cottage on a Grecian island and having bomb photography skills and just looking finnnnnneeee all the dang long time.

Um, yes you FOOLED ME SIR YOU FOOLED ME I HAD SUCH HIGH HOPES YOU HANDSOME MAN. 

~

Ok next guy, it's HARRY'S TURN.

I'll keep it short because Harry didn't betray my heart. Because simply I didn't care for Harry.

I just thought he was some weird guy. I mean he literally knows this girl for like 5 seconds and then begs her to sleep with him. Bro, step back.

I didn't have high hopes for him, I mean seems like a sweet guy but ultimately could be a psycho. I'm done with him. NEXT.

~ 

Now for young Mr. Bill.

OK BILL SHOCKED ME. HE SHOCKED ME. I HAVE BEEN FLOORED.

This is what I have to say about Bill and I am not proud of what I thought before seeing the film. 

When I saw the previews I saw young Bill, and I was like "Hmmm he's not as cute as Sam, so totes not rooting for him" I also thought old Bill was freaky so definitely did not give any hope for Bill.

BUT BOY WAS I FOOLED (BUT IN A GOOD WAY.)

Bill turned out to be the best guy.

WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT? Not me, sir. 

Once you saw him in action, you realized that his sweet smile and charming blue eyes just suddenly pulls you in, and you're like "Bill let's sail off into the sunset!"

I mean what? Why did he not look as cute as in the previews as he did in the film? Is it his boyish charm? His humorous outlook? His cute sailor outfit that pulled it all together? I am not sure, but whatever it is the film made him popping.

First, he actually respects Donna, I mean he for sure wants to sleep with her too, but he's not begging her or anything he is just joking with her and having fun. He also doesn't really try anything and drops her off at the island, and is like ciao, girl, hope to see ya later.

Um yes please.

And THEN HE COMES BACK WHEN POOP SAM LEAVES.

AND SHE FALLS INTO HIS ARMS, HE HAS RESCUED HER. YES PLEASE.

AND THEN HE CHEERS HER UP BECAUSE HE HAS A HEART OF GOLD.

A HEART OF GOLD.

And, then he is still respectful till the end! And waits for Donna to make a move because he is respectful! RESPECT, tell me what that means to me.

Cute, charming, and funny Bill sailed his way into my heart, and I was SHOCKED.

~

This film's previews TRICKED ME. I thought I'd be head over heels for Sam, but what is that? Bill coming in hot? What? What a magical thing, I do declare.

Ah Bill yes you win, I announce you best from the three, congrats, Shaniqua.

Also, click here to find out which one your soulmate is, took it again and mine is still Sam, but everyone says I go for the douches anyway, so I guess its a fate I cannot escape. Sigh.

Let me know who you think was the best man and who is your soulmate from Mamma Mia.

Ok, Ciao.

~

P.S.  We all know the best man is still Damon.

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Why It's Ok To Say No: A Ballad

Why It's Ok To Say No: A Ballad

Wednesday, November 14, 2018

Hello dear ole internet people, how's it going? Having a snazzy day? 

I totally am, I got my hair chopped off and I am living the easy. breezy, beautiful covergirl life.

But even though my luscious locks are popping I am here with an announcement for the internet.

If you were paying attention and being the stalker I hope you are, I recently posted an article on how to friendzone someone. Great advice, no? 

However it has come to my attention that there is still an issue with saying no to dates.

And, I am here to tell you that IT'S OK TO SAY NO.

In my previous post I jokingly said how I was the reject queen, how my friends laughed with how many times I've said no to a date. But even though I have people that joke about it, there's still some cruelty there.

I've been called shallow, rude, mean, a female dog, and countless other things because I decided to say no to a date.

Or, and my personal favorite, crazy, because I am missing out on free food.

Free Food?

You think that I am going to go on a date with someone just for the sake of free food? 1) I would feel awful eating that food because I was not enjoying myself and knowing that I was using the guy, 2) I got food at my own casa thank you very much, and at my casa I can eat and watch Vampire Diaries.

There's just this little veil hanging around everyone's heads that you have to say yes to a date, listen you do not have to say yes to a date, and saying no does not make you shallow or rude or crazy, it shows that you have free will and can choose how you wish to spend your time.

And I don't know if it's a sexist thing or not, but I know when someone asks me on a date and I don't want to go, everyone says, 'be nice, Brooke, say yes' 

My question is, why do I have to be nice? If I do not want to go on said date, I shouldn't have to go on said date. And this could be for any reason whatsoever, I can say no, and people should respect that answer, whether that person asked me or the people who know about the situation.

So, yes, say no. Say no like your heart depends on it.

If you don't want to go, don't go, tell people you don't wish to go on the date, you have no obligation to go on a date with someone just because they asked.

It's not like you are going to enter a Ponzi scheme just because they ask. Make your own decisions, stick by them, and take that burden off your shoulders.

Hopefully, we can move pass the fact that it's ok to say no to a date, and so people don't have to worry about it.

Now, listen I've been on my fair share of awful dates (there are proximately 5 bad dates, that I'd love to share at a later date) and I wish so badly that I had said no, there were times that I even said yes because I didn't want to hurt the person's feelings or get called names by those around me. 

I would much rather just hurt those guys feelings than to ever live out those dates again.

So, say no. Say it like Meghan Trainor in her song NO circa back to 2016.

I'll actually leave the link here. So you can listen to it while reading this post.

Sigh, yes that was great to type out, and I know this post was a tad bit serious which strays a bit from my usual Damon obsessed path, but I felt like it was needed and tied well with the friendzone article. And as I mentioned in the friendzone article, say no, but be nice about it please!

Ok people let me know if you've said no recently (and in a nice way!) I want to see the evidence of free will, thank you very much.

Ok, ciao. 

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How To: Friendzone

How To: Friendzone

Tuesday, November 13, 2018

To friendzone or not to friendzone? That is the question.

Well aye yo to the people with thumbs, are you ready to be educated? I gave a snippet of my education by trying to be all shakespearean-esque, in the first sentence but perhaps it just came off as cringy? I totally think it did. OH WELL, TIME TO MOVE ON.

So, apparently I have the status in my friend groups as the rejecting, friendzoning queen. I get attacked on this fact on a daily basis. 

And I mean it's somewhat true, you know? 

Well, here is the very requested article, for your friendzoning needs.

WARNING: There is also nothing wrong with friendzoning someone, for your information.

Ok let us begin.

The first thing with friendzoning and to friendzone correctly, you have to think to yourself, 'Do I wish to friendzone?' Now you may be thinking, 'But Brooke, how do you label someone as friendzone worthy?'

Well, that is a great question, internet. In order to see if someone is friendzone worthy, I like to play a little test called. "Would I make out with them?" or there is another test, "Do I want him to be the father of my children?" and another test, "Would I regret going on a date with this person?"

If you answered, no, no, and yes, to all of the questions above then you should most likely friendzone. Now if I am talking to Damon then the answers would be yes, yes, and no, and I would not friendzone him. No sir, I would jump on that opportunity like a kangaroo about to box.

Sorry, I just had to add Damon again, and I do not regret it, I mean look at that face. True magic.

Anyway, back to how to friendzone.

So, after you have established that you wish to friendzone said person, there are some sticky steps you must take. And it can depend if you have gone on a date with this person or if you have not, let me explain dear internet.

If you have gone on a date with them, and the date was the definition of a poop party, yet in their mind's eye it was a party fit for Aphrodite, well you let them know right away, Aphrodite was no guest at the party. 

For example, I had a young man message me, "That was fun, when are you free to go on a second date?"

Now, when you get a message like this after a poop party, your first response is to click abort, stop, drop, and roll. And ghost your way out of it. But, Shaniqua, there will be no Casper here tonight! You will face your problems, friendzone first!

1) Take a freaking deep breath.

Listen you can't friendzone someone if your lungs are collapsing, take a breather and say, "Let the friendzone commence."

2) BE NICE, YOU SLUT.

Now, if you wanna stay friends with the person, I highly suggest you be nice and don't throw any jabs. Think of one thing you like about the person (be sincere!) and if you went on a date, one thing you liked about the date (totally lie!)

3) Use La Wizard Hands

Time to get crafty, whether online or in person, get those words a flowing. Don't try to make the person feel like they are inferior to you or pathetic (even if they may be!) 

For example say, "Hey Stefan, how's it going? Lovely weather we are having don't you think? Anyway about the date, I had a grand ole time, but I am not seeing you in a romantic way, just no spark or Nicholas Sparks for that matter, I just wanna hang like orangutans, let's go get ice cream with Damon!"

Ciao.

So, that was an example of how to friendzone after a date, but some of you may ask, oh Brooke, what if there is no date yet but they've asked me on one, and I am hiding?

Well listen little hiding squirrel I got you covered! 

Just focus on the part that you don't see them in a romantic way, that always usually works for me, because you can't fight chemistry!

For example, "Hey Stefan, a date sounds fun, but I don't see you in a romantic way, don't take it the wrong way, I just don't got that sparky connection going on, but let's hang out Friday and watch Peter Kavinsky on da screen."

Now if you paid attention closely, friends, you would have noticed that I said 'romantic way' now I have a rule that I don't go on dates with people that I don't see in a romantic way because that is a huge butt waste of time, and I am young. Not wasting precious time like that.

So, I inform them of this, that I don't go on a dates with people I don't see in a romantic way, I also comment on why I like them and because of the reason I like them I wish to stay friends. This always throws people off and they can't help but say ok and leave it with no hard feelings.

After all of this has happened, you just kind of pretend you never left the friendzone, you act on your merry way. Ask about dates going on, watch some films, and stay all cozy in that friendzone.

That is all folks, ciao.

If you have any further questions or need some assistance with friendzoning please let me know. 

You're welcome, internet.

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Dream Time, Yo

Dream Time, Yo

Tuesday, November 6, 2018

Listen up, internet! I had a dream last night, a very hip dream to say the least, but nonetheless still a dream. 

I've been telling everyone this dream from left to right, I woke up with such a vivid and detailed dream, I just had to tell the universe. 

So story time my internet people, time to enter my dreamy mind, sit down, grab some snickerdoodles and enjoy.

~

Ok so in my dream my mom was throwing a huge party at my house, and all the people there were oh so annoying, they were constantly talking bad about me, and I was like 'why le poop are you people here?' 

So I swore at them and left to this mudroom area, when suddenly I saw this creep old lady in glasses trying to mess with my thermostat, so I went 'Old lady what the freak are you doing with my thermostat?' And she waddled away outside, so I locked the backyard door.

I found out that she was trying to make it super cold because she was a part of an evil gang that was set out to freeze my house, I found her breaking into my house again and messing with the thermostat, so I said and I quote, 'Lady, don't mess with my thermostat, my home is supposed to be a perfect 73 degree temperature all the time.' 

And, then I punched her and dragged her body out the door.

Also, some context, I was dating Damon Salvatore from Vampire Diaries, YESSSS I did just say DAMON, FREAKING DAMON, THE UNIVERSE SMILED UPON ME FOR THIS DREAM I TELL YOU.

Damon appears with his group of friends after I've punched dear old creep ice lady, he says 'you know what this party blows, let's go to my house and we'll have a better party' I go um yeah when your gorgeous vampire boyfriend invites you to a party, you say yes.

So, Damon and I and his group of pals, get into a mobile vehicle as we drive to the Salvatore's house. When suddenly we pass by a river, where there are drunk college students on Spring Break, what a combo. 

As we are passing the river, we then see bloody bodies floating in the water, Selena Gomez suddenly appears (because I guess she was in the car with us? Selena do you like vampires?) and she pulls out all the bodies, and counts that there are 12 bodies, exact.

I then remember in the dream that there was a creep cult man sacrificing groups of 12 people, and this must be another incident.

So, I said, hmm let's keep driving.

Butttttt as we were driving away the drunk spring breakers (who clearly were oblivious to their dead 12 friends) became possessed and started following us, like those psycho zombies from I Am Legend. 

Except, Will Smith did not come save the day.

We get to Damon's house and the possessed spring breakers start attacking us, I get a magic baseball bat that a haunted doll gave me so I started hitting the spring breakers (no regrets.)

When suddenly I meet the evil wizard who has been sacrificing all these people, he then tells me that he wants me to be in his sacrifice, and I'm like H to the no.

So, I am able to get out of there with my beloved, Damon.....and his pals get out of there too, which I guess matters?

We get back to my house with the lame butt party because it's safe as a pin, so we are sitting around eating snacks from Costco, yes Costco.

When suddenly I receive a snapchat, from no other than the EVIL WIZARD, (who by the way looks like a 30 year old hipster weirdo, like bro go home)

The snapchat video shows all the possess spring breakers yelling at me, and the evil wizard says 'I am gonna get you' 

And so I respond with a video, of me saying, 'Chill out, bro.'

~

And that was it, my internet people, I had an exciting, confusing, and beautiful dream, mainly because I was dating freaking Damon, my main man.

Let me know if you want more dream tellings.

Ciao.

OK one more Damon gif.

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