How To: Friendzone

How To: Friendzone

Tuesday, November 13, 2018

To friendzone or not to friendzone? That is the question.

Well aye yo to the people with thumbs, are you ready to be educated? I gave a snippet of my education by trying to be all shakespearean-esque, in the first sentence but perhaps it just came off as cringy? I totally think it did. OH WELL, TIME TO MOVE ON.

So, apparently I have the status in my friend groups as the rejecting, friendzoning queen. I get attacked on this fact on a daily basis. 

And I mean it's somewhat true, you know? 

Well, here is the very requested article, for your friendzoning needs.

WARNING: There is also nothing wrong with friendzoning someone, for your information.

Ok let us begin.

The first thing with friendzoning and to friendzone correctly, you have to think to yourself, 'Do I wish to friendzone?' Now you may be thinking, 'But Brooke, how do you label someone as friendzone worthy?'

Well, that is a great question, internet. In order to see if someone is friendzone worthy, I like to play a little test called. "Would I make out with them?" or there is another test, "Do I want him to be the father of my children?" and another test, "Would I regret going on a date with this person?"

If you answered, no, no, and yes, to all of the questions above then you should most likely friendzone. Now if I am talking to Damon then the answers would be yes, yes, and no, and I would not friendzone him. No sir, I would jump on that opportunity like a kangaroo about to box.

Sorry, I just had to add Damon again, and I do not regret it, I mean look at that face. True magic.

Anyway, back to how to friendzone.

So, after you have established that you wish to friendzone said person, there are some sticky steps you must take. And it can depend if you have gone on a date with this person or if you have not, let me explain dear internet.

If you have gone on a date with them, and the date was the definition of a poop party, yet in their mind's eye it was a party fit for Aphrodite, well you let them know right away, Aphrodite was no guest at the party. 

For example, I had a young man message me, "That was fun, when are you free to go on a second date?"

Now, when you get a message like this after a poop party, your first response is to click abort, stop, drop, and roll. And ghost your way out of it. But, Shaniqua, there will be no Casper here tonight! You will face your problems, friendzone first!

1) Take a freaking deep breath.

Listen you can't friendzone someone if your lungs are collapsing, take a breather and say, "Let the friendzone commence."

2) BE NICE, YOU SLUT.

Now, if you wanna stay friends with the person, I highly suggest you be nice and don't throw any jabs. Think of one thing you like about the person (be sincere!) and if you went on a date, one thing you liked about the date (totally lie!)

3) Use La Wizard Hands

Time to get crafty, whether online or in person, get those words a flowing. Don't try to make the person feel like they are inferior to you or pathetic (even if they may be!) 

For example say, "Hey Stefan, how's it going? Lovely weather we are having don't you think? Anyway about the date, I had a grand ole time, but I am not seeing you in a romantic way, just no spark or Nicholas Sparks for that matter, I just wanna hang like orangutans, let's go get ice cream with Damon!"

Ciao.

So, that was an example of how to friendzone after a date, but some of you may ask, oh Brooke, what if there is no date yet but they've asked me on one, and I am hiding?

Well listen little hiding squirrel I got you covered! 

Just focus on the part that you don't see them in a romantic way, that always usually works for me, because you can't fight chemistry!

For example, "Hey Stefan, a date sounds fun, but I don't see you in a romantic way, don't take it the wrong way, I just don't got that sparky connection going on, but let's hang out Friday and watch Peter Kavinsky on da screen."

Now if you paid attention closely, friends, you would have noticed that I said 'romantic way' now I have a rule that I don't go on dates with people that I don't see in a romantic way because that is a huge butt waste of time, and I am young. Not wasting precious time like that.

So, I inform them of this, that I don't go on a dates with people I don't see in a romantic way, I also comment on why I like them and because of the reason I like them I wish to stay friends. This always throws people off and they can't help but say ok and leave it with no hard feelings.

After all of this has happened, you just kind of pretend you never left the friendzone, you act on your merry way. Ask about dates going on, watch some films, and stay all cozy in that friendzone.

That is all folks, ciao.

If you have any further questions or need some assistance with friendzoning please let me know. 

You're welcome, internet.

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Dream Time, Yo

Dream Time, Yo

Tuesday, November 6, 2018

Listen up, internet! I had a dream last night, a very hip dream to say the least, but nonetheless still a dream. 

I've been telling everyone this dream from left to right, I woke up with such a vivid and detailed dream, I just had to tell the universe. 

So story time my internet people, time to enter my dreamy mind, sit down, grab some snickerdoodles and enjoy.

~

Ok so in my dream my mom was throwing a huge party at my house, and all the people there were oh so annoying, they were constantly talking bad about me, and I was like 'why le poop are you people here?' 

So I swore at them and left to this mudroom area, when suddenly I saw this creep old lady in glasses trying to mess with my thermostat, so I went 'Old lady what the freak are you doing with my thermostat?' And she waddled away outside, so I locked the backyard door.

I found out that she was trying to make it super cold because she was a part of an evil gang that was set out to freeze my house, I found her breaking into my house again and messing with the thermostat, so I said and I quote, 'Lady, don't mess with my thermostat, my home is supposed to be a perfect 73 degree temperature all the time.' 

And, then I punched her and dragged her body out the door.

Also, some context, I was dating Damon Salvatore from Vampire Diaries, YESSSS I did just say DAMON, FREAKING DAMON, THE UNIVERSE SMILED UPON ME FOR THIS DREAM I TELL YOU.

Damon appears with his group of friends after I've punched dear old creep ice lady, he says 'you know what this party blows, let's go to my house and we'll have a better party' I go um yeah when your gorgeous vampire boyfriend invites you to a party, you say yes.

So, Damon and I and his group of pals, get into a mobile vehicle as we drive to the Salvatore's house. When suddenly we pass by a river, where there are drunk college students on Spring Break, what a combo. 

As we are passing the river, we then see bloody bodies floating in the water, Selena Gomez suddenly appears (because I guess she was in the car with us? Selena do you like vampires?) and she pulls out all the bodies, and counts that there are 12 bodies, exact.

I then remember in the dream that there was a creep cult man sacrificing groups of 12 people, and this must be another incident.

So, I said, hmm let's keep driving.

Butttttt as we were driving away the drunk spring breakers (who clearly were oblivious to their dead 12 friends) became possessed and started following us, like those psycho zombies from I Am Legend. 

Except, Will Smith did not come save the day.

We get to Damon's house and the possessed spring breakers start attacking us, I get a magic baseball bat that a haunted doll gave me so I started hitting the spring breakers (no regrets.)

When suddenly I meet the evil wizard who has been sacrificing all these people, he then tells me that he wants me to be in his sacrifice, and I'm like H to the no.

So, I am able to get out of there with my beloved, Damon.....and his pals get out of there too, which I guess matters?

We get back to my house with the lame butt party because it's safe as a pin, so we are sitting around eating snacks from Costco, yes Costco.

When suddenly I receive a snapchat, from no other than the EVIL WIZARD, (who by the way looks like a 30 year old hipster weirdo, like bro go home)

The snapchat video shows all the possess spring breakers yelling at me, and the evil wizard says 'I am gonna get you' 

And so I respond with a video, of me saying, 'Chill out, bro.'

~

And that was it, my internet people, I had an exciting, confusing, and beautiful dream, mainly because I was dating freaking Damon, my main man.

Let me know if you want more dream tellings.

Ciao.

OK one more Damon gif.

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FAQ: Part Dos

FAQ: Part Dos

Monday, October 29, 2018

Back by popular demand I am here with this article, it's pretty ironic that the frequently asked question post was the most frequently asked question to repost. But I see you, internet. 

Well, here we are at last with the part dos of this series. So many more questions I've been asked, so little energy to answer them. 

In case you were wondering, I've been on a much needed hiatus where I have spent my days drinking hot chocolate and watching vampire diaries. However the internet people asked and I was not what they asked for, but you get me anyway, yay.

You're welcome, cruel digital world.

Well here we are shaniquas, feast your eyes on these answers, enjoy.

~

Are you the youngest?

Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha....................No. 

Ok can I just say, that I have no idea what vibe I am giving off for everyone to assume I am the youngest, but I will have you know that I am the third child of four children, the snazzy middle child. You're welcome.

What is your favorite movie?

This is the worst question known to mankind, I swear. 

You know, I spend most of my life watching films and enjoy so many and that truly makes it so hard to choose. Tsk tsk tsk. Next question please.

Why do you say 'Shaniqua?'

Oooooh the question I get asked so much. Hmm, I don't think there was a time in my life where I sat down and told myself that I would start calling people Shaniqua. Nor do I know where the name came from. I just remember saying, "Yo Shaniqua, come here." And then it stuck and I've been with it ever since.

What's on your bedside table?

Well, Shaniqua, I am glad you asked. On my bedside table I have my favorite gift I have ever received in my life. Yes, I said life. It is a framed photoshop photo of me with Ryan Gosling. It's absolutely amazing, my friend gave it to me on my 18th birthday and I cannot part with it. It's a national treasure.

What is your favorite music?

Ew, another question I hate. Hmmmm this is difficult, I am not sure, internet people. Because I feel like the answer changes everyday and especially with my mood. I will say that I love a good Lana Del Rey and Lorde (but I know how indie basic that sounds so imma shut up.) 

What is your theme song?

After searching long and hard for a theme song, and asking family members what they think which song would suit me best, it funneled down to the conclusion of Primadonna by Marina and the Diamonds. Please give it a listen and let me know if it reminds you of me, and if not, then my theme song has been a lie. 

Favorite Disney princess?

I suppose this answer can change too, but I am going to have to say Jasmine. I love a good fashionable and sassy Jasmine. Totes would steal her outfit and pet tiger, just saying.

Favorite Wes Anderson film?

Yes, please. I would have to say Grand Budapest Hotel even though the hotel owner is a sleazy old lady loving man slut gold digger purple guy. 

Team Edward or Jacob?

Really? We are going back in time to my awkward years? Ok if you insist........ OK THIS IS THE DEALIO BELLA CAN KEEP PALE DEPRESSED EDWARD ALL TO HERSELF BUT I AM TAKING SWEET TAN JACOB OFF OF HER HANDS AND KEEPING HIS ABS TO MYSELF. The end. 

How do you properly friendzone?

Well, hello, dark past. Just kidding. Apparently I am the total friend zone rejecting queen, which I am ok with because it shows that I am no people pleaser. But I am labelled as the expert for some weird reason, and I will explain my expertise recipe on how to friend zone on a future article (Yes.)

What's your American house?

If you didn't think of the American wizarding school in America that totes copied Hogwarts, then why are you here? Shoo. 

But to answer your question my sweet jelly beans, I am Thunderbird. Woot woot like the grease gang, right? Is that what they're called? Or nah? 

Damon or Stefan?

Oh ok, internet. I see you, so you want to know which dead corpse I'd date? Is that correct? Welllllll if you paid any sweet attention to my last post you would know that I love me some Damon Salvatore yum yum. So, does that answer your question? Because if not, then all I have to say is that Stefan needs to chill the chill out and go put his head in the ground, while I go make out with Damon.

OK I literally never stop posting these Damon gifs, they are just too perfect for human understanding. 

OK ciao. 

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Do I Want A Vampire Boyfriend?

Do I Want A Vampire Boyfriend?

Saturday, October 13, 2018

Well, here we are again. Me, my words, and my little attitude. 

(Ok can we just take a moment to appreciate that little song I made out of nowhere? Yes.)

Ok, so for the past week, for some strange reason vampires have been all over my radar.

I think it may have started when I was bored and was wondering what I should watch on Netflix, and I was scrolling through my list and stumbled upon sweet ole Vampire Diaries. Now I had seen this show previously up to season 5, and anything after season 4 is poop. That's right, poop.

And so I decided to rewatch season 2, and I sat there realizing, that dang Damon Salvatore is a handsome piece of work, I would totally take him to dinner and discuss Harry Potter. And you know, kiss him. But I DIGRESS. 

As I was on this Vampire Diaries banger I was surfing youtube when I discovered a video reviewing the Twilight movie, and can I just say, that Twilight was the sketchiest and cringiest movie? Like, seriously. I don't know how I did not catch onto that as a kid. (Also, if you don't know I loved Twilight up until I was 12, I even had a Twilight themed birthday party. Yes.)

And, then I just went on this road of watching clips from the Twilight movies, and watching the most cringe and hilarious scenes, that weren't meant to be hilarious. And I sat there thinking, "Why the heck, is Bella going out with Edward?" I mean in the first movie, he says how much he wants to eat her, I mean if that's not a red flag, I don't know what is.

So, I've been thinking why le poop are girls going gah gah for these cold dead, but undead men? And not only are they cold dead, undead men, but they are cold dead, undead men that eat people, suck them dry of their blood and youth. Like slurp, done. 

Is it just because they are cute? Because I mean Damonnnnnn

Ahhhhh sighhhhh.

What was my point again?

Oh, yes. THEY MIGHT EAT YOU.

I don't think you should date anyone on a might situation. Such as: "He might punch you in the face" "He might eat all the food in your fridge." "He might make out with your sister, and then throw acid in your face."

You know situations that you should avoid. 

However, I didn't answer the question that was first posed towards me. The short answer is no, I am not currently searching for a vampire boyfriend. I mean if Damon waltzed into my life, and was like, "Yo Brooke you are hip as an actual hip, and I want to go have dinner with you and discuss Harry Potter." First, I would faint, second, I'd be like for sure mosquito boy, and then third make sure we were in a public place, because of the whole, might drain you of your blood situation. 

But no I still wouldn't date him or a vampire for that matter, they wouldn't be my first option or my last. But let me just put another photo of Damon, because we need him in my vampire-less love life (which is probably going to lead me to a long life.)

Ah such beauty. Bravo, sir. B.R.A.V.O.

But seriously, stop romanticizing vampires, ahem Bella Swan. Stop it. They'll kill you and drink you and desert you. Go for someone with a pulse please. It's not that hard to not bang a corpse. 

Yes, I needed more Damon, ok I am done with my spew, ciao. 

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Top Notch Tips

Top Notch Tips

Hello Internet people, I am here today to give you the advice on how to deal with an exhausting, terrible, or a suffering moment. 

Now I've been through quite a few terrible (said in French accent) situations, so I am going to say that I have some sort of expertise on the matter.

Recently I was stuck for 9 hours at an airport, don't you just love layovers and delayed flights? I don't you sickos. 

And I was able to get through it and sleep all snuggly on the airplane for a 10 hour flight. After watching a shirtless Ryan Gosling on the TV. Yes, it was very much needed to see him.

Now these are the tips I have:

1. Spend a little, spend a lot, or spend a medium.

So, while I was dying at the airport all by myself in a foreign country, I saw glistening in the corner near my gate, my favorite gelato stop, Bacio de Latte. 

I had been through a lot that day, and I was just tired and hungry, and needed a little flavor-able pick me up, and I bought the beautiful, silky, and delicious gelato. I don't even know how much that thing cost, but all I know is eating that made me feel like there was still hope in the world, and that gelato will never desert me. 

Yes, gelato. Everyday, all day. 

2. Read a snazzy book.

During this terrible time I luckily had downloaded the kindle app on my phone, and downloaded all of the Harry Potter books. A beautiful series, by the way. 

I sat down on a little seat and read Harry Potter and the Half-blood Prince, which is my favorite Harry Potter book, and I sat there and read while eating my gelato and had a grand ole time.

Grab that book, yo.

3. Text your favorite people.

Hello, this is what I did. If you received a text from me when I was stuck in the terrible airport, you're welcome, you are on my favorite people list (which is quite humble in length.) 

I texted people so many memes during this time in the airport, let me tell ya.

So many D.W. memes, so many. (Also, if anyone knows what D.W. stands for please let me know.) 

I also sent everybody photos of my gelato and I discussed the best flavors of gelato (this is confidential and saved only for favorite people.) 

~

Well, there you have it, a list of tips. Also I added a serene photo of trees to allow you to feel serene as well, while feeling terrible.

Also, enjoy my favorite meme:

And here's one more, that is an actual representation of my face:

Ok I am done, see you again with more D.W. memes. 

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Television Time: Part Yski

Television Time: Part Yski

Wednesday, October 10, 2018

Yes, dear internet, I am not a one trick pony, I don't only read but I watch TV too. So I figured, 'Hey these people have eyes, should I grace them with some snazzy shows?' and the answer to that question is perhaps. 

So, I did it anyway. 

Here is a list of the shows I've been watching non stop (even though I should stop) this year, you're welcome.

Also, the photo above is an actual representation of me.

~

1. The Crown

Ok first thing on the list is The Crown season 2. I love this show, I mean I like any shows with queens, fancy dresses, and awkward situations. In season 2, we see Queen Elizabeth II dealing with her husband, her sister, and most of England. I would highly recommend if you want to be educated and entertained all at the same time, woot. 

2. Victoria

Well well well here we go, back to an educational and entertainment combined show. This bejeweled show is about the life of queen Victoria, who was a sassy little shortie (like someone else I know.) Also, love miss queen's relationship with her husband, who is the definition of hip. This show will make you laugh, not-cry, and truly know what love is when you click play on Amazon Prime. 

3. The Dragon Prince

Ok hear me out people, hear me out. So, I was quite skeptical about this show, just because I thought it looked lame and the animation looked cheap. However, I was very well aware that the creators of AVATAR THE LAST AIRBENDER (aka best TV show on da planet, I will also be speaking about my love for this show later) created The Dragon Prince. And, so I had some hopes, and boy was I not disappointed, it was quite good, can't wait to see where the show takes us. Also, I totally want to marry the elf guy with the white hair and bow and arrow (you'll want to marry him too, just wait.)

4. Alias Grace

Oooooohhhh this show scared me. I was freaked le chic out. This show is so good, but it's like a crime, drama, and mystery show but also a thriller? I am not so sure, but dang Shaniqua this was good. Just don't watch at night though. But down to business this show is based off the book that bears the same name written by the MARGARET ATWOOD, who is probably one of the best writers and author of The Handmaid's Tale (will write more about this fantastic book in the future.) It's about a woman who is convicted of murder, however she doesn't remembering committing the crime and the whole show is spent with us trying to find out if she killed someone or not. Yes.

5. Queer Eye

Ok yas queen, this show is fantastico. Everyone human must sit down and watch this show, like right now. I mean finish reading this obviously, but then hop onto that Netflix and watch this beautiful show. Not only is it hilarious (I am looking at you Jonathon) but it is also so moving to watch them transform these eh guys to some confident and excited guys. Yes, Queer Eye please let me just eat lunch with you guys for a day (I mean you guys can pay because you're clearly rich now.) Ah, yes and remember you can never forget, "Spray, delay, and walk away."


OK, that is all I have to say, you're welcome.

Sidenote: First, I lied I actually have more to say, and second, most of these shows can be found on Netflix, and Victoria can be found on Amazon prime, and third, if you know what yski means and what language it is, I'll share a snickerdoodle with you.

Ok ciao for real now.

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Pants and Shirts and Shoes, Oh My!

Pants and Shirts and Shoes, Oh My!

Tuesday, October 9, 2018

Ok everyone I get it but calm down, please calm down, I mean, I realize that I have finally written the post that will answer all your questions.

Ok I didn't.

But, I do get asked this quite a lot, which will answer one question, and it's the basic, "Where do you buy your clothes?" 

And I mean I don't mean to brag, but I do. So, that's why I am going to say that I am pretty stylin' and  that is a factual statement.

And which is why I am educating the population on my favorite stops to shop. 

You're welcome, world. Ah I am helping so many people with this blog, I expect my Nobel Peace Prize in the mail by Thursday, thank you and good night. 

Ok shall the shopping begin?

1. Zara

Ah yes sweet, sweet, sugar like Zara. This is probably my favorite store, I have dropped so much money here, that I should feel some remorse. However these clothes are glistening in my closet so how could I feel remorse for that?

2. ASOS

Ok this is the ultimate online shop, internet pals. You gotta buy from here they have anything you could ever want. All of my coolest skirts come from this store. 

3. Mango

The only thing missing from this store is a complimentary mango with every purchase, but I guess just the clothes will do. And it will do more than just do, it will caress your face and wipe away your tears, because you are wearing a beautiful design from Mango. (Also my shorts shown above are from this mystical beast.)

4. H&M

I mean H&M is a classic, everyone knows about this place, from Bill Gates to the ducks on the street, how could you not own one thing from here? And, may I just add, that they have a gorgeous assortment of coats, specifically fur coats, I love mi some fur coats (I mean faux obviously so don't attack me but I don't have time to write faux, gosh.) 

5. Topshop

Oh yes the Brits have done it again, with dear ole Topshop. This store is like a candy shop, the hippest things will be found here, from white ankle boots (which I bought) to giant yellow fur coats (which I want.) It feeds your hunger for FASHUN. 

Ok that's it, I have no more to say. I do shop at other places but I am too lazy to put more here and I like the number 5 so what am I to do? So if you truly want to know leave a comment, or don't. It's your funeral.

Ok that's enough. I am done. I am out to eat peach yogurt. Ciao. 

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